Storytime: Fear is the gun that kills creativity but you're the gunslinger.

Fear. It’s that knot in your stomach when you step out of your comfort zone, the pounding in your chest when faced with uncertainty, the voice whispering doubts from when you were 15, into your ear. 

"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." - A Japanese Proverb I can never forget.

In one of my August email-cleaning sessions in 2022, I found that a seemingly innocuous email landed in my inbox. It was a casting call that fit Em (my best friend) better than a glove. As someone who had seen the love in her eyes when she was in stage rehearsals in school, I eagerly forwarded the details, unaware of the whirlwind of emotions it would stir within her. Em's initial excitement at the prospect of pursuing her passion for acting was faded real quick and was replaced by a paralyzing wave of apprehension - fear in other words. Fear wrapped its icy fingers around her one true passion, planting seeds of doubt and hesitation that even a hundred facetimes with me couldn’t solve. She found herself swallowed whole by fear.She fretted over the most trivial details—the arch of her eyebrows not being shaped, the looming specter of financial obligations in the next month which would need 15 more work hours in that very week and the one time she had screwed up an audition was very obviously - the cherry on the cake. So Em did what she was best at - using them as convenient scapegoats to avoid working for her dreams and on her dreams.

Em found solace in silence and solitude that entire week, fearing that confiding in others would only invite unwanted pressure to face her fears head-on and submit the audition tape. Instead, she sought refuge in prayer that wasn’t backed by any action, pleading with the universe for divine intervention to make her anxieties vanish and infuse her with the confidence needed to seize the opportunity before it slipped through her fingers. With each passing moment, the weight of her fears threatened to crush her spirit, yet a flicker of determination burned bright within her. Summoning every ounce of courage she could muster, she resolved to confront her fears and embrace the challenge that lay before her. With every frame, she poured her heart and soul into crafting the perfect audition tape, fueled by a mixture of desperation and determination. Desperation to make it in time and not lose a chance the universe had thrown her way and she had wilfully ignored and determination to make every shot a breathing work of art with her print on it. 

With a heart that felt like it was finally learning to overcome fear, Em hit send, feeling a surge of adrenaline even though and especially because her fate hung in the balance. Hours later, waking up from an evening nap, Em saw a notification from two hours ago - the director of the movie for which she had auditioned.  

Dear Em,

I hope this email finds you well. I wanted to personally reach out to express my sincere gratitude for taking the time to audition for the role. Your talent and dedication were evident in every frame of your audition tape, and it was truly a pleasure to witness your performance.

Unfortunately, circumstances beyond our control have led to a change in our casting decision. An old colleague of mine expressed interest in the role after initially declining, and I found myself in the difficult position of having to reconsider our selection.

I want to assure you that your audition left a lasting impression on me, and I have no doubt that your talent will lead you to great opportunities in the future. Please don't let this setback discourage you from pursuing your dreams. You have a gift, Em, and the world deserves to see it shine.

Wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.

Warm regards,

Ali

In the aftermath of rejection, Em found herself adrift in a sea of self-doubt and despair. Yet, somehow, somewhere, a seed of wisdom took root -

Fear, though a formidable adversary, should never be allowed to dictate the course of our lives. Because when it is allowed to do that, the purpose of fear is defeated. Since her school days, fear of being perceived a certain way had made her second-guess her creative pursuits. The difference was, there was so much external validation available topped only by her self-image (she loved herself as a child), that it was never a question of not doing it when she felt fear grip her wrist. She would hold it right back and dance with fear to move people. As an actor, as a writer, as a poet, as a narrator, as an orator and as a vocalist. Once she entered college, Em had realised that people were a lot meaner in the real world and they would do anything to undermine someone else’s much deserved limelight - this scared her. She didn’t want the limelight, she wanted people to love her art. So she decided this - if the world wouldn’t love her art without judgment, there was no point in creating at all. Fear had won. Fear was the king. This time, Em had done it again. Self sabotaged  her creative opportunity until it was too late. Here’s what Em sees in hindsight (because let’s face it, there is no Em. It’s me I’ve been writing this about. I was Em. This happened to me. And fear made it impossible for me to tell you this until I got to this part of the blog - and I choose to let it remain this way - because this time I used fear to convey a point) - 

- Procrastination: I postponed taking action on the audition, allowing fear to overshadow my motivation and determination. Procrastination often stems from fear of failure or inadequacy. By delaying action, I missed out on valuable opportunities to showcase my talent and also pursue my passion.

- Self-doubt: I allowed doubts about my abilities to cloud my judgment and hinder me from fully committing to the audition. Self-doubt is a common manifestation of fear, causing individuals to question their worth and capabilities. By succumbing to self-doubt, I undermined my confidence and sabotaged my chances of success.

- Lack of Communication: I chose to keep my fears and concerns bottled up inside, isolating myself from potential sources of support and guidance. Fear often breeds isolation, leading individuals to withdraw from others out of a misguided belief that they must face their challenges alone. By failing to communicate my struggles, I deprived myself of valuable insights and perspectives that could have helped navigate my fears more effectively.

- Over-reliance on Perfectionism: I fixated on achieving perfection in my audition tape, using it as an excuse to delay action and avoid confronting my fears. Perfectionism can be a defense mechanism against the fear of failure or criticism. By setting impossibly high standards for myself, I created unnecessary pressure and set myself up for disappointment when my efforts inevitably fell short of perfection.

- Reacting Negatively to Rejection: I allowed rejection to crush my spirit and extinguish my passion for pursuing future opportunities. Fear of rejection can amplify the impact of setbacks, leading individuals to interpret rejection as a reflection of their worth or abilities.

Each of these faults stemmed from Em's (or my)  inability to harness her fear as a motivational force, instead allowing it to overpower her and hinder her progress. By recognizing the consequences of letting fear dictate her self worth, Em can begin to cultivate a healthier relationship with fear and use it as a catalyst for growth and self-improvement. Here’s what I’m talking about -

Fear. Fear is a primal emotion deeply ingrained within the human psyche. From an evolutionary standpoint, it served as a survival mechanism, alerting our ancestors to potential threats and dangers in their environment. It helped us stay alive. You know what else helps us stay alive? Art.

Is there a way to make them work and live and breathe together? You’re welcome, and yes. Fear is a catalyst for growth and transformation, a force to be reckoned with rather than cowered before, it's an art itself - waiting to be harnessed. Fear is a reaction, a response. These reactions often manifest as heightened arousal, increased heart rate, and heightened vigilance, preparing us to either confront or flee from the perceived danger.

However, not all fear is rational or justified. In many cases, our fears are rooted in irrational beliefs, past traumas, or societal conditioning, leading us to overestimate potential risks and underestimate our own capabilities. By acknowledging the irrational nature of our fears, we can begin to disentangle ourselves from their grip and reclaim control over our thoughts and actions. Rule number one and write this down in your thought journal - confront, confront, confront. With fear, if you “deny, deny, deny”, you’re losing big time, buddy. What do you do when you see a frightened child deserted and confused? You ask them their identity and where they live, right? And then you do everything in your power to make them feel safe and remind them what they need to remember to reach home again. Do the same. When you’re afraid, ask your inner child -

• Who am I? Where does this fear live?: Is it rooted in childhood shame? Is it rooted in multiple rejections? Is it rooted in the uncertainty life has always thrown at you?

• Who was I before that fear stepped in?: What made me tick? What helped me work with or around the fear to create and move people with my art?

• Assess the time, add buffer and still keep your deadlines way ahead: If you have 15 days to send in a work, make it 6 days and submit it within 5. Keep a long buffer to make up for other emergencies that might demand your attention but never ever let your fear sit for too long. 

Fear is a sign that you need to assess and act. Assess how important it is to you and how much value it adds to your life. Act on it before someone else makes a move, don’t be me. Em - Me, still not obvious enough? Contrary to popular belief, fear can be a potent source of motivation and inspiration when channeled effectively. Instead of allowing fear to paralyze us, we can use it as a catalyst to push us forward towards our goals and aspirations. This requires a shift in mindset, from viewing fear as a barrier to success to walking with it as a powerful ally.

My story is a reminder to seize the moment, use our fears, and embrace the journey of self-discovery with open arms.

With Love, In anticipation of fear, Leaves